Death and Sparkles

This page is devoted to a strange little novelish thing I'm working on. It is obviously not done, but I will update it periodicly. The plot is basicly a homocidal unicorn teams up with a young prince to find happiness. I would really appreciate your comments!

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When I’m writing this, it has been exactly two hundred twenty five years and fifty days since the fateful day when our main character, Lord Sunshine the Terrible, died a tragic and painful death. Now you know the ending. Do not fear, I will not tell you how it dies, or why. Even I won’t sink that low. And yes, I did refer to our character as it. You see, Lord Sunshine was a rainbow death unicorn, and none of them have any gender to speak of. Or, I think none of them do. After all, Lord Sunshine is the only rainbow death unicorn in the history of ever.

Lord sunshine the Terrible was born somewhere, at some time, by someone. Really descriptive, right? Yes, very little is known about Lord Sunshine’s beginnings, except that it did not at all enjoy them. It didn’t enjoy much of anything though, so this information is actually really useless.

Lord Sunshine was quite an amazing specimen. It was a brilliant shade of bright pink, with a long, purple mane, and a bloodstained turquoise horn. It had purple bone crushing hooves, and sparkling eyes. Oh its eyes! They were a beautiful baby blue, with long, glistening purple lashes, and a look that said ‘Come closer so I can snap your neck’ but in the most beautiful way you could possibly imagine.

As you can imagine Lord Sunshine was, being the only rainbow death unicorn, very lonely. It had to come up with constructive ways to deal with this, which it did. Among its favorites was skewering any traveler that crossed his path with his horn. This pleased it, and displeased everyone else. It couldn’t quite wrap its head around this fact, and probably wouldn’t have cared even if it did.

One bright and sunny morning, Lord Sunshine awoke feeling even more miserable than usual. It was a nice day, and it hated nice days. It also hated stormy days, windy days, snowy days, partly cloudy with a fifty percent chance of hail days, and any other kind of day you’d like to mention, but that is beside the point*. Furthermore, its dinner had been less than satisfying. An insurance salesman had dumbly come to its cave the night before, despite the many mangled skeletons scattered across the ground in a clear ‘Keep Out’. Baffled by this act of utter stupidity, Lord Sunshine had let it talk.

“Hello kind sir! I mean, ma’am! I mean si- um, ma- uh…” the salesman faltered. He sputtered for a full minute, and then bravely started again. “Hello kind unicorn! I have come to sell you car insurance! Our company is sure that-” He never finished his sentence, due to the fact that he suddenly found himself rather dead, which is, as you can imagine, quite a shock.

Back to the bright and sunny morning. Lord Sunshine was upset because it did not find the insurance salesman at all appetizing. All that hair gel had given it an awful stomach ache.

 


 *  Why is it always ‘beside the point’? Why not ‘Below the point’ or ‘In front of the point’ or ‘Directly perpendicular to the point’?